Shame & Freedom - 10 Things I Have Learned

Living in shame, with no one to talk to, and feeling stuck, is a horrible way to live.  The only way to freedom is accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, and living for God.

The time in my life when I struggled with shame and depression was during my first marriage.  I found out that I was married to a “sexual predator.”  Because I took my vows seriously and was a realist, I thought the only way for the marriage to survive was with some boundaries.  Since my ex-husband had perpetrated against teenage girls (as far as I found out), who continued to lie to me about even little things, and was manipulative - I felt I needed to protect our daughters.  We lived separated since they were babies.  I never left them alone with him, and felt a strong need to protect their friends, because if anything happened, I did not want the guilt of knowing I did not do all I could to protect them.

Who do you talk to about the feelings that go along with the shame of being associated with this person?  How did I get duped in the first place?  How do you love a sexual predator, who has that life-time sentence?  Even though I eventually divorced him, I mourned the loss of what was supposed to be a joyous life-long marriage, with my best friend.  It was definitely a strange reality with which to deal.  My pastor instructed me not to talk about it.  It was a prison sentence for me - feeling trapped.

Here are 10 things I have learned.

1.)  Life is short.  When you do not feel safe or worry about the safety of your children, do what is legally possible and get help.  Do not waste time in situations of desperation or danger.  GET HELP!  I am no expert in the legal sense, however I do know it helps to get in touch with someone who is an expert.  If you struggle with your feelings, feel depressed, and/or anxious about things, etc., get in touch with a therapist and/or psychologist.

2.)    Trust God.  God will bring good from any situation.  It may be hard to see what possibly could be good about a horrible situation.  That is why God is God and we are not.  When it seems there is no one who could possibly understand your situation, trust that God can.  Talk with Him.  Get to know Him through His Word.  Remember that God does keep His promises, cares for you, loves you so much, and He provides an amazing hope.

3.)    Keep a Gratitude journal.  Focusing on things for which you are thankful and the good in life helps us see the light, even if it is far off in that tunnel you may find yourself in.  You will make it through that tunnel.  It may take some time and God's healing.  Keep running your race.

4.)    If you have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, focus on your identity in Him.  Meditate on biblical passages such as Ephesians 1 – 2:10, Galatians 6, Romans 12, Hebrews 11, etc.  God has plans for you.

5.)    Do not jump into another romantic relationship.  It is better to work on your own health:  Mental, physical, spiritual.  Give yourself time to heal.

6.)    Make positive, happy memories with your children and supportive family and friends.  With another chance to make better choices for yourself and your children, have some fun.  Practice being present.  Live in the moment.  Make goals for yourself, and celebrate once you attain your goals.  One of my goals was to let go of fears, which God is helping me with.

7.)    Serve.  Be a blessing to others.  God can use you if you let Him work in and through you.

8.)    Whenever you feel bad for yourself, have a reminder of the past, find yourself in a negative head-space, call or text a friend or write a note to your therapist.  Remember to live in the now, not the past.

9.)    Forgive.  Living in a life of bitterness and anger is not worth it.  It only hurts you.  Forgive those who wrong you, which will set you free.  Even if they have not asked for forgiveness.  This will help you move forward in life and free you up to let joy in.

10.)      Do not seek revenge.  God’s justice is sufficient.  Be kind so that you have no regrets.

These are a few things I have learned over the years. No matter what you are burdened with, no matter the trial, God is with you. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. No one is perfect, especially not Christians. That is why we need a Savior. Life on this Earth is very short compared to eternity. We need to remember that this is not all there is for us. I have learned to put the drama behind me, lay it at Jesus' feet, and trust Him. Live your life as though it is a precious gift - love well, walk with our Lord, and choose to be joyful.